I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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