I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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