My sheets look like a crime scene.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
