im about as happy as oj after his trial
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
