Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
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