MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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