Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
