im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
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I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Be still, my beating vagina.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
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Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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