I molested 6 butterflies tonight
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
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