I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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