Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
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i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
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Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
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