There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
the gays at disneyland are vicious
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
