Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
