Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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