There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
