Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
