FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
