someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Can you bring me the toilet please
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
