I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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