I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Randomize
