So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Randomize
