Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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