I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
