mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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