The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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