Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
