I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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