I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
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