I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
