No I am not eating basil off your cock
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
