Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
