Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
