ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
