i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
