Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
