The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
