You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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