I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
