You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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