I just cut my nipple shaving
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
