I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
i black out too much to be "responsible"
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