I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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