Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
