it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
