From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
