The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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