i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
