The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Randomize
