I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
