New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
