I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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