My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
