I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
