guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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