I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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