I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
