you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
