i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
