my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
My feet surprised me
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