I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
