My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
as a side note pls kill me
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
